Letters To My Brother
by Prophecygold108
Summary: Dean Winchester decides he needs a way to vent his feelings about his brother. He can't tell anyone but his brother, so he writes him letters. Starts after episode 2x13: Houses Of The Holy. Starts based in canon, eventually becomes more AU. Wincest.
1. When We Thought We Found Angels

Dear Brother,

When I told you today that I had faith, I knew you were in disbelief. I understand. How could I think god could save me from the way I've grown up? The things I believe in? The things I've done? If god was real, he wouldn't have let the demons roam the earth, killing innocents and making us devote our lives to killing them. For you, this is proof that he isn't real. For me, this is proof that he is. I've done something so bad in the eyes of god that I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't let these demons come after us. I've killed, I've lied, and I've stolen. But mostly, I have coveted. I have coveted you, Dean. I wish to lay with a man, my own brother for Christ sake. I have to believe in the power of god, and the power of angels. I have to believe that each hunt is my own personal punishment for imagining your touch as I lay in bed at night. Today, a spirit that I once believed to be an angel, told me I needed redemption. I have to know that I'm receiving my penalty for every time that I've wanted to pull your face close to mine. When I walked in on you in that motel room with the vibrating bed, there was nothing I wanted more than to climb on it with you. Every time a motel asks how many beds we want, I'm tempted to say one. I want intimacy with you, Dean. I want to know that you love me. I want to love you back. I thought I found an angel in Providence, but it was just the spirit of a priest. I wanted to believe so badly. You told me that you'd always watch out for me, but that's just too much weight for one man to bear. I wanted to have proof of a greater good. I want to know that I could be saved. You save me, Dean. I realize that now. You save me every day. I want you to see me the way I see you. I want to be your brother, your lover and your best friend. You told me that you believe in God's will. I don't think I would feel this way about you, if I wasn't supposed to. I don't need God. I don't need anything but you, Dean Winchester.

Sammy


	2. When I Was Possessed

Dear Brother,

I called you, scared and alone from a strange motel room. I was covered in blood, not sure if it was mine or someone else's. I couldn't remember anything but you. I knew you were the only one I could contact, the only one who could help. You were the only one who could make me feel whole again. I called you, and you saved me all over again. You asked me what the last thing I could remember was I remembered being in west Texas with you. I remembered the kindness in your eyes asking me how I felt, how close I was to telling you how I really felt about you. How I wanted to lay my head on your shoulder in the front seat of the Impala as you drove. I told you that I remembered burgers instead. You told me that was a week ago. The most terrifying part of this was knowing I was with you, but not knowing what I did. Did I tell you that I love you? Did I try to kiss you? Is that why it took you so long to find me? You were disgusted with me, and my feelings for you? Then we fought about the same thing we've been fighting about for months. You have to kill me, Dean. I am a child of that demon. I'm going to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. You tried so hard to save me. And then you said that you'd rather die than kill me. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. And then everything went blank again. I know now that I was possessed, something I think you knew all along. I wonder how far brotherly love goes, or if you do feel the same as I do. You wouldn't kill me, even when I was evil. You told me the demon taunted you with your feelings. I wonder if it knew about my love for you. I hated losing control. Bobby gave me this look as we were leaving. If I was a less paranoid man I'd say he's just worried about our wellbeing. But it felt like more. I hate not knowing if you know. You said you'd save me if it were the last thing you ever did. It's almost enough to make me come clean. Almost.

Sammy


	3. When We Were Incarcerated

Dear Brother,

I haven't been able to write lately. I don't know what it is. Every time I try to get the words out, I just can't. Your latest plan has landed us somewhere however that I've got all the time in the world to write. We're in jail. It almost feels real, and I know that if we ever are truly caught, this is exactly how we'll end up. Only without someone on our side. So now, with my endless amount of time, I've decided to try to write what I've been feeling a lot more lately. I want to take a shower with you. I realize that of all the things I could imagine in the world, a shower seems pretty tame. But a few weeks ago, when we got caught in the rain and I saw the raindrops clinging to your eyelashes, I realized there is nothing I want more but than to see all of you wet. You're gorgeous, Dean. Though this isn't my favorite plan of yours, it does have its perks. Our cellblock showers together. Last night you chose the showerhead next to mine. I still don't know if it's because you wanted to be close to me because I'm your brother, or for another reason. Thank you for choosing that shower next to mine, Dean. Whatever your motive was. I watched as the soapsuds from your hair washed down your taut back. I watched the water cascade over the swell of your ass. It took everything in me not to reach out and grab you, to pull you close to my body, to have you all to myself. I had to wash off quickly after that, and get to my cell before anyone could notice your effect on me. One day we will be together, Dean. I just don't know how yet.

Sammy


	4. When You Went Missing

Dear Brother,

While you were gone, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I couldn't eat, sleep or write to you. It felt like you were gone. Like I missed my chance. I don't know how much longer I can keep this from you, Dean. I found you hanging, so afraid that you were dead. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'm the one that's supposed to die, and you're supposed to kill me. I fought, and I fought hard, but you were still the one to save me. As always. And you saved that girl too. You told me what happened while you were strung up. That you were in a perfect world. For the most selfish reasons, I wanted to know what I was like. I wanted to know if we were still brothers. You told me we didn't get along, and that it wasn't a perfect world. You said it was a wish, and you wished for Mom. We never went hunting, so we never learned to love each other this way. You didn't say that, in so many words. But I knew that you meant it. And I meant it when I said I was glad we did. If I had a wish, or a perfect world, or whatever, I would wish for you. I would have us be lovers and not brothers, so that there would be nothing against us. I would have us live in our house in Lawrence together, married. Even if we didn't have our parents, we would have each other. That's always been enough for me. Dean, don't ever disappear again. I need you more than you know.

Sammy


	5. When I Died

Dear Brother,

I've found the breaking point. I have to tell you how I feel. Life is too short for both of us. If I don't tell you, you'll never know. When I heard your voice calling through the ghost town, it was like I could breathe again. Seeing your face for the first time in however long, I knew then that I couldn't go without you. I was going to tell you then, Dean. I had the words already in my head. That boy stabbed me in the back, and you held me as I died. Telling me everything was going to be all right, even after it wasn't. You didn't let go, even when it was killing you. Now I'm here, because you gave your soul for mine. You get one year. Like I told you in Wyoming, Dean, It's my turn to save you. But if all you get is this one year, I want this year to be the best. Tonight, when I'm finished writing this, I'll give you this handful of letters. You'll know some of me deepest, darkest secrets. And if I'm still writing you tomorrow, then I guess you feel the same.

Sammy


End file.
